Emotional Night

i don't even know where to begin........

last night was a very emotional night for me. i am an emotional person anyway but last night was more so!

let me remind you of a couple of things before i begin.
1) jared has a very hard time with "GOD". he wasn't brought up around it and he still doesn't really believe.
2) braxton and i have had a few rocky years. i think alot of it is that i am jealous. him and i were by ourselves for 4 1/2 years while jared worked out of town during the week. so we had lots of bonding time. then jared started working at home (which i am grateful for) and braxton has since started spending more time with him (which i am grateful for)! but i also think i am jealous of their relationship b/c i lost that! which brings tear to my eyes as i type!

so here is the story that i just prepared you for.

last night i had the boys watch Miracle on 34th Street. i loved this movie when i was about braxton's age and was reminded of the movie yesterday at church. braxton loved the movie! when we were headed to bed i was folding laundry and jared went in to tell braxton good night. i heard braxton ask his dad if he believed in God. i heard jared say "do you?". of course braxton's reply was yes. i never did hear what jared said or anymore of there convo. so when i went in to tell braxton good night i just asked him what he said to his dad. he told me the same thing i heard but that jared said he did believe. which this is the first time i have ever even heard him say this! praise God! anyhow, braxton started crying. i said braxton you know i really like for you to go to church with me on sunday's. and this is what he told me thru his crying and this is what started my tears that never stopped!

mommy the reason i don't go with you to church is because i know i am going to see you againg someday, because i know you are going to heaven. i spend all my time with daddy now because i won't see him again because he doesn't believe and has never been baptized.

WOW! what do you say to that? it was all put into perspectative for me as to why he wants to spend so much time with his dad. i would have never in a million years thought that!

i gave braxton some time to think while i brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. i just couldn't stop the tears though. jared seen this and asked me why i was crying. i explained it to him. so he went in to talk to braxton. at first they just layed there and jared just held him. i thought to myself that i just needed to leave b/c this was THEIR time that they needed. i went to bed, crying! braxton came in there later to do something so i asked him how their talk was going. he told me that daddy told him that he did believe. but braxton said "i don't know if he really does or if he is just telling me that to make me happy and not sad". i said well brax you just need to tell him that just like you told me. "but mommy it is to hard to tell him" was his reply. i talked to him a little more and explained to him that he just needs to talk to his dad about everything!

so there you have it! it took me over an hour to go to sleep just thinking about everything. i would pray, then cry, pray, then cry.

i know God has His plan in all of this. i have prayed that jared would see thru his kids' eyes about God. and so maybe this is Gods plan after all. so please pray for jared! pray that he will start seeing the light and hopefully start attending church with all of us. and please also pray for braxton. as this is very hard for him. i cried so hard last night just thinking about how much we butt heads and how all along this is why! i seen it as he just didn't want to spend time with me b/c he liked his dad more. and that was so off course! i thought to myself- i don't deserve a wonderful kid like this! but I do, I made him that way! what a sweet, wonderful little boy we have raised.

so as i end, crying! please pray for me too:)

loves to all of you!